EMPATHY, ENNEAGRAMS AND EDUCATION

Empathy is full presence to what's alive in the other person at this moment. -John Cunningham-

Last week's acrostic poem about NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS FOR EDUCATION started with the letter "E" as follows:

Empathy, civility, and other social skills should be taught uniformly, in consecutive steps, throughout grades K-12. This would include mandatory classes on relationships, parenting and financial responsibility from middle school on. There should be “how to” classes in cooking, nutrition, finances, etc. (See December 24 blog article.)

President Obama recently said this: "You know there's a lot of talk in this country about the federal deficit. But I think we should talk more about our empathy deficit -- the ability to put ourselves in someone else's shoes; to see the world through the eyes of those who are different from us --the child who's hungry, the steelworker who's been laid-off, the family who lost the entire life they built together when the storm came to town. When you think like this--when you choose to broaden your . . . concern and empathize with the plight of others, whether they are close friends or distant strangers --it becomes harder not to act; harder not to help." (Northwestern's 148th commencement address)

What does this mean for those of us who are educators and parents? Although genetics may play a role, I think empathy is mostly a learned behavior. A newborn baby is egocentric - wanting what it wants in food, warmth, dryness, and well-being. However, this small bundle of humanity quickly learns to mirror what is modeled. After basic needs are met, it may soon learn that louder crying means being held, fed, or cosseted more. Alternatively, by being ignored or abused, it may soon learn to feel unheard, devalued and even angry. Some parents have a natural understanding of rearing children, i.e. empathetic, unconditional love with boundaries. Many of the rest of us, myself included, read Dr. Spock and other baby books, or simply did what our parents did to get through those early years. What we often don't think about is that our actions and reactions are being absorbed in detail by our growing offspring. Those who live in a harmonious, loving home environment will most often be calm, happy and well adjusted. They will often have smiling countenances, share willingly and participate fully. They display the beginning of empathy. Those who come from over-indulged, hostile, abusive or uncaring environments are often non-compliant, self centered, aggressive, needy, withdrawn or overly shy. As a teacher, both in my own classroom, and as a "guest teacher" substituting in others, it takes only a few minutes to determine a child's empathy meter, which often translates to his or her popularity with peers.

What can teachers do? They are human with human reactions even though ideally all children should be treated equally in a teacher's eyes. It takes real effort to treat children who constantly test limits the same as those who are quietly doing their jobs. Because teaching is labor intensive and exhausting, time is an enemy to personal growth. We are forced to take many workshops after school, on weekends and in the summer to keep abreast of the latest educational trends, leaving little time for classes on human understanding and rejuvenation. Yet these kinds of classes are often helpful when dealing with the emotional needs of others. An example might be a class I took at Seattle Pacific University called "Dealing with Difficult People." I will forever remember one of the main ideas. There is no such thing as a difficult person, only a person with unmet needs. Since then every time I am in a situation with someone who might be considered difficult, I think in terms of the "unmet needs." Amazingly, I see the adult or child much differently as, using the opening quote by John Cunninghanm, I try to find out what is alive in the other person in that moment.

Recently I began learning about enneagrams and thought about its implication for people in general and educators in particular. In a book entitled The Enneagram Made Easy by
Renee Baron and Elizabeth Wagele, we learn that there are basically nine personality types, each with their own traits, both good and bad. I, for example am a "two" with traits that include being loving, adaptable, insightful, generous, tuned in to how people feel, etc. :)AHHHHH. That sounds so good and feels so right. BUT, my negative traits include such things as being indirect, manipulative, martyr like, overly accommodating, etc. :( Could this also be me? But what it really means for me, if I look at all nine complete profiles, is understanding that we are all different, to celebrate the differences and to look at others in this context. As a teacher, it means I need to think about a child's personality profile and explore how to optimize his or her learning with that knowledge. Obviously children walk into the classroom layered with family values and experiences, so, as the old saying goes, "this is easier said than done." But books like the one above on enneagrams provide needed insights and can help to bring about empathy in ourselves and others.

In the meantime, we are faced as a country, with the "empathy deficit" President Obama referred to. To pare down the deficit we need to lean on institutions like schools to take up the slack and help to remediate the problem. Funding for mandatory classes from middle school on regarding relationships, financial responsibility and personal accountability is funding well spent. Helping ineffective parents to learn parenting skills should also be mandatory. If it means less abuse of children and others, if it means a greater understanding of each other, if it means a lower crime rate, and fewer people in prison, then surely it translates to not only reducing the empathy deficit, but maybe even in helping to reduce the federal deficit. It's worth thinking about.

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BOOK NOOK

The Enneagram Made Easy by Renee Baron and Elizabeth Wagele

What is your profile? How do you see yourself? How do you see others? How do others see you? This book would be a great addition to your "self help" and "understanding others" resource collection.

http://www.harpercollins.com/books/9780062510266/The_Enneagram_Made_Easy/index.aspx