DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY? NOT MINE!

"I know why families were created with all their imperfections. They humanize you. They are made to make you forget yourself occasionally, so that the beautiful balance of life is not destroyed." by Anais Nin


What is a functional family? No divorces, single parents, school dropouts or people addicted to drugs? Nobody on the dole, homeless or in jail? Everyone doing the right thing, working, going to school, and living harmoniously with each other. Ahhh, how sweet it sounds, but I can’t really say it accurately describes our large extended family. Made up of both natural and step great- grandparents, grandparents, parents, aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews, and great nieces and nephews, many have colorful, sometimes painful stories that could make for good reality TV programming. Somebody might even call our family dysfunctional at times, at least in the “Leave it to Beaver” sense. I might add that for me personally, although I have experienced some anger, frustration and mental anguish within our family over the years, I wouldn’t change it for the world. Today reinforced my feelings of family pride in both individuals, and collectively.

First a quick review: In my blog of of August 2 I talked about a trip to Fresno where our family was attempting to right a wrong – namely wresting a fair settlement of the 50% we should have received when my second eldest sister passed away. She had no children, but loved her siblings, nieces and nephews, and had shared with many of us that she was giving us all varying percentages of her half of the estate. She was also planning to recognize three foundations which she held dear. We learned that her will had been rewritten in 2006, just before she was admitted to an Alzheimer's facility. This new will would give 95% of the entire estate to three of her husband’s nephews and only 5% to her own family. It was decided to take legal action. The outcome was a favorable settlement of several hundred thousand dollars. After legal costs were paid there were to be no restrictions on how the money was to be divided.

Now for the amazing part. Today, in a conference room at a local Holiday Express Inn, I was one of a dozen family members working together in a most functional way to solve a fair distribution of those funds to twenty-one family members and the three foundations. The meeting was scheduled to begin at 9:00 a.m. and end at 4:00 p.m.. Led by one of the nieces, an educator with excellent group management skills, we set about our task. After an icebreaker where we read short lawyer jokes, we each shared why we had embarked on such a challenging path. Then, together, we charted a “code of conduct” that included the following:

1. No idea is a bad idea.
2. Everybody is equal.
3. No criticism of those unable to attend.
4. Hearsay is irrelevant.
5. Respect all family members.
6. Take turns speaking.
7. Say little, but say it well.
8. Listen with understanding and heart.
9. Avoid yelling, whining and abusive language.
10. Seek to understand and ask for clarification.
11. Keep sidebar conversations to a minimum

The task was complicated by the fact that different percentages were given to different family members. This in itself made a division inequitable if we were to remain close to the 2004 amendment which recognized the twenty-two heirs and foundations. It was further complicated by the fact that at least six nieces and nephews were not even mentioned in the will.

After working until noon to establish a framework and some distribution ideas, the nieces and nephews who brought about the suit left for a working lunch. They returned an hour later, having hammered out what they thought was a fair distribution adding bonuses for those who had been more involved than others in the process. They accomplished three major tasks: First, they were able to agree on differing percentages even if they might seem outwardly inequitable. Next, they found a way to give some money to the six or more individuals who had not been recognized. Finally, they were able to give several thousand dollars to each of the foundations. What an amazing feat! Within half an hour of returning from lunch, they presented their results and the group voted. As part of our ending celebration we each received a “Dare” card to read out loud. Mine said . . . There’s an original song inside you – sing it! If it seems like a strange little song, sing often – it will soon catch on – but sing it! “Alas for those who never sing, but die with all their music in them.”

This achievement came from group members , ages 30 to 88, who had set aside their personal positions, to think about others, and to determine what would truly work for our large, diverse family. I call this a functioning and functional family, regardless of individual foibles and experiences, and I’m proud to claim it as my own. I have a hunch my opinion was shared by the others. We should all sleep well tonight knowing that we were part of righting a wrong. And in the words of my deceased father-in-law, the nieces and nephews in that room today "did their bit and a little bit more."

It would be interesting to know how those on the “other side”, who inherited more than they should have, handled their distribution. They too had a number of family members who were not mentioned in the revised version of the will. Perhaps they can read this blog to see how a functioning family handles a difficult situation with courage, grace and selflessness.