Articles and books on the subject of bullies and bullying are countless. No matter how much advice is given, however, bullies continue to do their malevolent best to hurt, frighten or tyrannize others in families, at school, and in the workplace. This is my fourth article on things to think about when trying to understand bullies and their motivation.
We can all agree that bullies are difficult people, either as children or as adults. Years ago in a class about dealing with difficult people, I came away with this nugget of wisdom: There is no such thing as a difficult person - only a person with unmet needs. The trick is to find out what the unmet need is, and Voila! The problem is on its way to being solved. It might be interesting for you to spend some time thinking analytically about people who have caused you grief, to see if you can come up with their unmet needs. If you think you might have been a bully, analyzing your own needs would also be fruitful.
Here are a few examples:
At school: Billy the Bully teases, trips, hits, or hurts others.
Unmet need: Billy wants acceptance, attention and love. Provoking others helps him to get attention from peers and teachers. He may be trying to get some control over his own life, or getting even with those he sees standing in the way of his own happiness. It may also be a cry for help with his own uncertain home life - hunger, abuse, feelings of worthlessness, cruel teasing by older family members or older kids in the neighborhood.
At home: A child hurts siblings or family pets, engages in cruel teasing, and breaks or steals objects.
Unmet need: The child is not feeling loved, valued and accepted. He/she feels jealous, abandoned and wanting attention. Such children often have a lack of empathetic , consistent , and effective parenting.
In the workplace: A supervisor harangues an employee under him/her, finds fault, and makes unjust requests thereby creating a hostile environment.
Unmet need: Such supervisors want to seem successful and knowledgeable. They also need to feel important and in control, craving recognition by superiors so they can move ahead. Deep down they may question their own ability to lead. Some may resort to dirty tricks to get their needs met. (See November 7 blog)
The trick now is to determine the unmet need and figure out how to meet it. Here is an example of using honey to deal with a social bully.
My husband, Vaughn, and I used to play duplicate bridge at a club with twenty-four other couples. An elderly lady was a weekly tyrant while her husband sat meekly across the table from her. She had a universal reputation as an unpleasant, snide and difficult person. In trying to see if he could change her behavior Vaughn learned that she had formerly been a beauty queen. Aha! The unmet need. Her looks and celebrity status were a thing of the past. From that time on whenever she sat at our table Vaughn complimented her on her hair, dress, and appearance. Before long one would think she was his best friend at the club, preening and smiling as she welcomed us to her table. Here was a woman who simply needed to know she still was attractive and still mattered.
The above technique makes it hard for bullies to be mean to anyone treating them nicely. Whenever a bully responds with caring behavior it’s time to reinforce it with a verbal reward or accolade appropriate to the situation.
If a neighborhood bully is just seeking attention or a desire to belong, one idea is to throw a party with him/her as the honored guest. Elementary school classrooms often have “students of the week” where they share their interests, hobbies, and family members. Why not have a neighborhood “student of the block” party, which could help the young person gain a sense of belonging.
If the impossible person is a supervisor, honey can be applied through expressing an interest in their well being, bringing an occasional treat and being very positive.
As we grow older some of us get more introspective and compassionate. Thinking back over past regrets, we want to make things right with others. I learned during one of these reflecting times that my sister, younger by six years, frequently felt bullied by me during her early years. I was shocked but realized that from her perspective it was true. Her unmet need was to be my friend and companion. I didn't see it at the time. We had a healing conversation and she later told me that it was like a wall between us had come down. We are now truly best friends as well as sisters. The point is this: Apologizing heals, and it's never too late!
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BOOK NOOK
Understanding the concept of unmet needs was really helpful to me when dealing with a very difficult supervisor I had a few years ago. I could not answer those needs on my own as they were deep seated. I could however, stay calm, positive, and empathetic, and do the best I could at work. Jeff Brown has a great article on the pain of unmet needs that I hope you will read.
Also definitely worth reading is an article from Wise Quotes on what respect is, how it is fostered particularly by parents. Among other things it says “When we do not feel respected by our parents while we are living with them, we have an unmet need to feel respected later in life. . . “ It goes on to say how that need translates into negative interpersonal experiences at school, in the home, and at work.
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