This is the story of K and E who reached fifty years of marriage with grace and love this summer. K and I were college roommates in the late l950s and lived together for our junior year abroad in Stockholm, Sweden. Our adventures were legion - a story to be told another time. Suffice it to say that upon our return we didn't seem to fit in with our previous peers and looked to the foreign student population at our university for socializing. Upon being invited to an off-campus house made up of students from Panama, Argentina, and Spain we found the international flavor we were missing and began a months-long relationship that ended in my leaving for Los Angeles and K's marriage to E. During this time we danced the tango, cha-cha and paso dobles, ate ethnic foods, had spirited conversations about the relevant topics of the day, and shared some of our culture with visits to family homes, tourist sights, and waking "the boys" up with coffee and pastry as we performed a Santa Lucia celebration, complete with candle lighted crowns, for our new friends. It was a magical time and indelible memories were made for all of us
Almost from the first moment they saw each other K and E fell in love. The love deepened over time and they were married within a year. K had finished college and E was working toward a doctorate degree in one of the biology fields. K's parents were disappointed as they really wanted her to take over her family's apple and horse ranches. E would not have fit in, they decided. They were worried about the kind of life their daughter would have and where they would live.
They worried needlessly because E's climb up the corporate ladder to the vice presidency of his firm allowed the happy couple and their two children who came later, to live a charmed life all over the globe. As head of the European division they lived in countries like France, England and Belgium at a level most of us would only dream of attaining. A favorite residence was in New York City where they had an apartment in Lincoln Center, allowing them to partake of every cultural event imaginable. Upon retirement they lived in Barcelona for a time before moving to Panama, E's birth country, and an ocean front estate with live-in help, and room to spare for an endless stream of visitors.
So fast forward to this summer. K and E, keeping romance alive, decided to visit every place they had ever lived, and started their trip with the East Coast and a voyage across the Atlantic on the Queen Mary II. Once in Europe they retraced their residential steps and renewed contact with surviving friends there. After a brief return to Panama to rest and regroup they set forth on the last leg of their trip to where it all started, here in Seattle. It was fitting somehow that my present husband, Vaughn, and I were part of this adventure, starting with a road trip to Canada and culminating in a cocktail party at our home in Edmonds. Here, on the last night of their stay, those old college friends from fifty years ago renewed acquaintances , laughing, remembering and listening to E who was the pianist of the group. The only thing missing was the dancing.
Perhaps the highlight for me of the road trip down memory lane was at Trout Lake in Canada, where K and E's sons met up with us, and staged a touching, sentimental tree planting ceremony in a remote section of woods. The property involved was bequeathed to K by her parents. Located near a babbling brook on a wonderfully warm sunny day, the two young men honored their parents' golden wedding anniversary by planting two small cedar trees that hopefully will grow over the years as a testimony to a marriage that has stood the test of time. It touched my heart, and I have to confess to a little envy as it is unlikely that at my age I will attain a "golden" status.
These days with fifty percent of marriages ending in divorce, and countless other relationships broken within a few years, whether or not there are children involved, fifty years mean something. Something big. Something important. During our many hours on the road we talked a lot about the past and about what makes a marriage work. Here are ten golden rules for reaching a golden wedding anniversary:
1. A commitment to the concept of marriage
2. Open two-way communication with active listening, not just waiting for the other to draw breath in order to make your own point.
3. Mutual respect for the other's needs including such things as physical love, nurturing, and interests.
4. Mutual respect for the other's abilities, no matter how large or small. A lawyer has different abilities from a laborer but both lines of work are worthy of respect.
5. At least some shared interests, whether music, cards, walking, traveling, etc.
6. If children are involved keep romance alive by carving out some alone time. Think about traveling on an airline and being told if oxygen masks become necessary, take care of oneself first before attending to the children so that all will survive. Nurturing each other will help the marriage to survive and the children to benefit.
7. Touch, hug, and kiss every day.
8. Resolve angry feelings and arguments by trying to understand the other's viewpoint. Take away red flag words and hurtful accusations.
9. If you're right, don't gloat.
l0. If you're wrong, don't pout.
While I don't anticipate that my husband and I will reach a nifty fifty, here is part of a poem I wrote about us that might be thought provoking, starting with verse seven:
Now it's twenty years later and our love is still strong, though it's been tested during those years. The wisdom we've gained through much stress and strife might help someone else now in tears.
"Let him be him and me be me" is the Number One rule we apply. Respect at all times takes the sting away when cross words do ultimately fly.
We both do our bit and a little bit more for family and others as wello. And the golden rule is paramount, on grudges we do not dwell.
So hopefully these words will help to solve some obstacles on your path. And one more very important thing...take time in your day to laugh.l
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