Sunday, October 9, 2011

I CAN SEE CLEARLY NOW - NO MORE "IF ONLYS"

For most older adults problems kids have are often "out of sight, out of mind" when one's own are grown and gone. We often forget how baffling, frustrating, and even guilt inducing parenting was, especially in the teenage years. Add the burden of single parenting and looking back is often just too painful.

Lately the world inhabited by children has been on my mind, probably because I am back to subbing in the afternoons. It forces me to view them differently, and to think about all the "woulda-coulda-shouldas" and "if onlys" in my own parenting. Since I became a teacher long after I became a parent, one of the big ones was If only I had children after I had taught for a while I would have made better parenting decisons. When my husband left our young family, with little warning, there were dozens of "if onlys".

Instead of allowing grief to consume me, if only I had insisted that we work together with chores and daily routines, we would have learned to cooperate and care more about each other, which in turn would have lessened our shared sorrow.

If only I hadn't allowed my creative juices to be squelched because of my own heartache we would have gotten through our family crisis with a modicum of ease and even fun.

If only I hadn't stopped at McDonalds many times each week because I was too tired to cook (fast food that was often eaten while watching TV) my children would have learned more about each other, as well as better table manners.

If only I had taught my kids to plan menus, shop carefully for groceries, and take turns cooking, my children would have learned lifelong culinary and household skills.

Kids love to help out from their youngest years. If only I had made chores fun, my children would have learned the importance of and taken pride in cleaning their rooms, setting the table, washing the dishes, doing the laundry, taken out the trash, help with yard work. These are important skills that parents need to teach their children in order that they become responsible, effective adults and good future mates. I have since realized children can find chores to be rewarding and fulfilling, allowing a chance to grow.

Instead of wallowing in my own grief, if only I had paid attention to and taken to heart the lyrics of Johnny Nash's song "I Can See Clearly Now" I would have faced our family's crisis differently, and my children would have come through the rain with greater confidence, self esteem, and happier memories.

Now, in every classroom in which I substitute I see examples of suffering children whose parents are going through their own rainy days. If only I could reach out in some meaningful way to each of them, then possibly they would be able to feel a little better, and know that a bright sunshiny day will come their way.

Yes, looking back if only I knew then what I know now, my own children would have had a happier and easier life. But the problem with if onlys is that they're in the past and nothing can be done to change them. If we want to make a difference we must do it NOW. And now that is my commitment to children with whom I come in contact, in my family, in the classroom, and in the world at large.

So, last week, for the little Somalian boy who wanted to show how high he could kick in class, I made time to watch him on the playground at recess. He really could kick high. His beaming face was thanks enough. I gave a child who was told "no" by a classroom teacher, when he wanted to look more closely at a read-aloud book, an opportunity to read the book later during silent reading time. When a child was sharply rebuked by a recess supervisor, I took a minute to crouch down by the young offender to determine what had happened. Once his side of the story came out, and he felt heard, he went off happily to play.

These are small but important differences we can make in the lives of kids whose parents are too consumed by their own pain to think about the hurts of their children. For the coming week, why don't you see how many obstacles you can help people overcome, even if it's only listening with empathy. Help them to realize that tomorrow CAN be a bright, bright, sun-shiny day

Lyrics for "I Can See Clearly Now" as sung by Johnny Nash

I can see clearly now, the rain is gone,
I can see all obstacles in my way
Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind
It’s gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)
Sun-Shiny day.

I think I can make it now, the pain is gone
All of the bad feelings have disappeared
Here is the rainbow I’ve been prayin?for
It’s gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)
Sun-Shiny day.

Look all around, there’s nothin?but blue skies
Look straight ahead, nothin?but blue skies

I can see clearly now, the rain is gone,
I can see all obstacles in my way
Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind
It’s gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)
Sun-Shiny day.

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