SAYING THE FINAL GOODBYE - WHY IT'S IMPORTANT

To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to leave the world a bit better whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded. by Ralph Waldo Emerson

In the past month death has touched me both nation-wide and close to home. On a national level, from the January 8 Tucson shooting tragedy claiming six lives, to the recent natural death of Sargent Shriver, I have been watching how we deal with death whether in simple ceremonies or those on a grand scale. Close to home I went to a funeral in Ferndale two weeks ago and a memorial yesterday in Bellingham of two relatives by marriage.

I found myself wondering about the importance of such ceremonies and what the difference really was between them. As usual the internet provided the answer.

Both honor the lives of the departed, and allow the participants a chance to grieve in the community of others, as well as to share memories if desired. While the terms are used interchangeably, a funeral service takes place in the presence of a body in an open or closed casket. It is usually soon after a person has passed away. A memorial service takes place without a casket present, although there could be an urn with ashes or pictures of the person who passed away. It can be soon after death or months later. Both services last about thirty minutes to an hour, and usually include music, prayer, a eulogy, and in those I attended, a slide show of important family pictures.

Funerals are most often held in funeral homes, while memorials can be any place the family chooses. Because funerals require a casket and services by the funeral home they are more expensive than memorials.

We have had several memorials here at our beach house because it is a peaceful environment in which to reflect on the impact of death, and how to deal with life in the future without the loved one. In these cases potluck food was served for thirty or forty mourners. The family planned and executed the events and the cost was minimal.

The funeral of my brother-in-law two weeks ago was a small affair attended by co-workers and a few friends. Though only in his early fifties, he had been disabled for some time. My sister chose to have an open casket viewing as well as a simple service. He looked as though he was asleep and seeing him that way helped to take away disturbing memories of my grandmother's open casket funeral many years earlier. His body was sent to Indianapolis the next day where his remaining family members had a second funeral, which resulted in closure and renewed contacts between formerly estranged family members.

The church memorial yesterday was attended by hundreds of friends, family and church family members. Because I didn't know the deceased person well, I had a glimpse of her life and could see how and why she had touched so many people. Three things were very clear - the importance of her involvement in the church, the importance of the church to her and the love she had for her family. Many testified to her loving, giving spirit, her singing, her mischievous sense of humor and her cooking. I wish I had known her better when she was alive. A meal was served in the social hall allowing for more wide ranging visiting and sharing.

There is yet another way to mourn, and these are called "makeshift memorials" as discussed by Michelle Ye Hee Lee in her on-line article, "Makeshift Memorials of Tucson Tragedy Ease Pain." One sees these kinds of memorials along the roads, streets, or in front of hospitals and other locations where death has occurred.

Ms. Lee's article is worth reading. I had tears in my eyes at the number and kinds of tributes. A nine-year old girl, in reference to Christina-Taylor Green, wrote "In Christina's honor, I will do better in math. P.S. I am 9." These memorials are still there today, with caretaking by volunteers who find it comforting to do so. One lady waters flowers, and removes dead ones daily. All seem committed to making a permanent memorial to the fallen near the shooting site. Stuffed animals, cards, and other memorabilia are a reminder of what happened. There is even a table where visitors can make items, and get candles for the vigils that are taking place. The tables are manned by people called "lawn strangers". In Tucson after a horrific act it signifies the best of America....that no matter what happens we will persevere.

Because one of the Tucson victims was a young child, and because there was so much media coverage about this little girl, some people were unsure of the best way to share information with their kids. Again, the internet is filled with helpful information, but a study by NYU Child Study Center had some ideas that might be useful.

There are all kinds of insights we can take away from acknowledging death and its various rituals. Besides remembering the person who passed on, it gives us the opportunity to think about our own contributions, and what people might say about us upon our death. Will we have a funeral or memorial? Will anyone even care that we passed by? Is it too late to try?

Vaughn likes to share a story about a memorial he attended when one person after another got up to talk about what an "encourager" the person had been in life. In that moment he made the conscious decision to be an encourager. This is something we can ALL determine to do from now on. Encourage others, rather than discourage them. Give compliments rather than putdowns. Become listeners rather than preachers determined to get our own way. Carl Buechner said, "(People) may forget what you said, but they will never forget how you made them feel." That goes for both good and bad, by the way.

For my part, I will always remember an older man, behind the counter at a video store on Mercer Island. He knew where every video was located, what they were about, and served up the information with a smile. This was not a high level job, but he took pride in what he did, and I loved his positive attitude. This was over thirty years ago and I remember him still. Did he make an impact? You bet. There is a quotation by Margaret Cho that seems apt here. "Sometimes when we are generous in small, barely detectable ways, it can change someone's life forever." It changed mine and he probably doesn't even know it.

I love quotations and put several in this article. But this one is special to me. Elizabeth Kubler Ross said, "People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within." For a better world, let your internal light shine for all to see, be it through thought, word or deed,