Sunday, October 24, 2010

BULLYPROOF YOUR KID - START AN EMOTIONAL BANK ACCOUNT

"Role modeling is the most basic responsibility of parents. Parents are handing life’s scripts to their children, scripts that in all likelihood will be acted out for the rest of the children’s lives." By Stephen R. Covey

What if you were told that there was an almost sure fire way of raising your children to be bullyproof - either as a bullier or as one who is bullied? It would also guarantee that they would grow up to have positive self images, even if they were not the most beautiful, the most book smart or the most athletically able. What if I further told you that it simply boils down to making more daily deposits into, than withdrawals from, what I call your children's emotional bank account.

In an earlier article I talked about how all of us are born with blank slates upon which are written every visual, auditory and kinesthetic experience we have. These experiences shape our view of the world and our place in it. It would seem logical that children, whose parents are calm and skillful, have an edge over those whose parents are uptight, unwilling, or unhappy. This is not intended to diminish the importance of nature in the nature vs. nurture debate. Certainly a baby’s personality/nature/disposition plays a huge role in how it interacts with its parents, family members, and others during its continuing development. Colicky, sick, crying and demanding babies can tax the most patient parent, but from the beginning, negative reactions will surely guarantee negative results whereas the use of patience, humor, and understanding will surely reap some positive benefits.

Try thinking about your child as an investment – his/her development as a bank account to which you add positive emotional deposits. Unfortunately, out of ignorance or personal stress, your negative reactions will also bring about negative emotional withdrawals from the account, which in turn effect the emotional cash flow.

Positive deposits include the following: Compliments, cuddling, kissing, storytelling, smiling, listening with an appreciative ear, talking in a calm, soft voice, spending time together, showing empathy, seeing your child with an appreciative eye, treating your child as a child, not as an adult, modeling a neat environment before expecting your child to keep a clean room, teaching your child to be a helpful part of the family in terms of chores, helping your child with homework, being proud of your child’s small accomplishments, loving your child unconditionally, and expressing that love daily.

Negative withdrawals from the emotional bank would include: Sarcasm, yelling, belittling, threatening, hitting, frowning, ignoring, meanness, constant scolding, being overly worried, using put downs, impolitely demanding that the child shut up! sit down! come here! (What happened to "please"?), having impossibly high expectations, having no expectations, inconsistency in behavior modification, applying unfair or overly harsh discipline, having no boundaries, allowing fighting and wrangling within the family, etc.

An example of a negative withdrawal I have seen repeatedly in public places is this. An exasperated parent (usually the mother) administers a spanking to a young child, while also shouting, "How many times have I told you not to hit your brother!" Oops! There went a withdrawal, a mixed message, and a lesson learned from the most important role model in the child's world. If my mom hits me, it must be o.k. for me to hit others, even if she says not to.
Perhaps a more effective measure would go like this. Holding the child close, say (not yell) firmly, "It is not o.k for you to hit your brother. We do not hit others." Look him/her in the eye and ask if he/she understands. If the hitting continues, repeat a variation of your message. If you are able to do so, distracting the child with a story, or removing him from the situation can help.

Divorce, and all the unpleasantness and stress that comes with it, can have a profound effect on the emotional bank balance. A healthy bank balance because of prior positive emotional deposits dwindles rapidly as daily emotional withdrawals are taken. Such withdrawals are similar to the ones listed above, but are exacerbated by the turmoil, uncertainty and worry in what is now a hostile and scary environment. The emotional bank account becomes so overdrawn that the child/children will then react negatively to the parent who is perceived as having caused the pain and disruption.

Like any bank account, more withdrawals than deposits will result in an overdrawn account and unpleasant penalties. Penalties from an emotionally overdrawn account might include such unpleasant reactions as tantrums, slamming doors, yelling "I hate you", moodiness, disrespect, whining, kicking, biting, screaming, running away, and later, more extreme reactions such as drug use, promiscuity, criminal activity, and the tragedy of suicide.

Here’s an exercise you can do on your own. Analyze the next 48 hours with your child/children and briefly jot down every interaction you have with them, both positive and negative. At the end, tally up the responses and see if you are in the emotional black or red. If the former, pat yourself on the back and keep up your positive parenting. If you are in the red, determine how you can make more deposits by using one of the examples above. If you have a spouse who needs "an emotional financial advisor," share these ideas with him/her and suggest that in the future you both try to add more deposits than withdrawals to your children's accounts.

If there is drinking, drug use, mental illness or abuse in the family, it goes without saying that these are problems which need to be dealt with immediately for everyone's safety and well-being. Teachers and other trained school personnel can be valuable resources in helping to solve these kinds of issues. In the meantime, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and others close to the children, can be adding their own loving deposits to the account.

Having a healthy emotional bank balance allows us to have feelings of self-worth, and the ability to help others by making deposits in their accounts. This concept can be threaded throughout the fabric of your day, as you deposit smiles, and other positive actions wherever you go.

"You are in charge of your feelings, beliefs, and actions. And you teach others how to behave toward you. While you cannot change other people, you can influence them through your own behaviors and actions. By being a living role model of what you want to receive from others, you create more of what you want in your life." by Eric Allenbaugh

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BOOK NOOK

Enemy Pie by Derek Munson, and illustrated by Tara Calahan King, shows how one astute father helps his son become friends with a new neighbor boy he thinks is his enemy. Jealous because the new boy, Jeremy, is spending time with Stanley, his best friend, our boy goes to his father for help and guidance. Father, understanding what is going on, uses some reverse psychology, and a clever ploy to bring a new friend into his son's life. He is making large deposits in his son's emotional bank account by his empathy, and role modeling.

Teachers, try this activity to help students welcome new students into their lives. On a piece of lined paper with a space for drawing at the top, write the following:

Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver and the other is gold!
My old friend is _____________. My new friend is ______________.

At the top, have the students illustrate their pictures by showing their old and new friends playing together. Mount the illustrated story on black construction paper. Have your students add gold and silver glitter around the border or in the picture for a glitzy touch.





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